michael murray

As most people know, security for the G20 Summit here in Toronto has really been ramping up. The Police are everywhere, most often traveling around in packs of 12 on their bicycles. This gives them the look of some sort of pre-teen gang, but it turns out that this is something they have absolutely NO sense of humour about.

On Monday, while having a few beers on Sherbourne Street with some buddies, a bunch of Cops-- thinking they were big shots that ruled the planet-- cycled past in some display that was clearly meant to intimidate me. It’s a mistake to try to intimidate Michael Murray, and if you don’t believe me you should just ask my dog, Heidi.

At any rate, when I saw these dongs, all making a big show out of flexing their calve muscles, I stood up for democracy.

“Hey girls, did you just get your training wheels taken off?!” I shouted.

I don’t remember much after that.

According to Godzilla, the only English-speaking street person in my drinking party that night, I had been shot in the chest with a beanbag. This may sound, you know, kind of playful, but let me assure you it is not. The riot control beanbags are tough, canvas bags filled with birdshot and fired out of gun into your chest, hurt like a motherfucker. I now have a bruise the size of an island on my chest.

Thankfully, Godzilla and the crew dragged me away before the police got to me, and so I have been able to continue to fight for freedom.

The other day, while buying some licorice at the corner store, I happened to notice two police officers standing in line behind me, and still annoyed from being shot in the chest, I began to oink. I don’t remember anything after that.

Tony, the owner of the corner store, told me that I had been Tasered. He later showed me the footage from his video surveillance camera and it looks like the police officer shot me in the base of the neck, execution style. As I watched the video of myself collapsing into the chocolate bar stand, I could see that eating a bucket of KFC chicken an hour before getting Tasered was not a good idea, and I am very sorry to Tony for the mess that was left on his floor, but clearly the blame lies with the Fascist State and not me.