michael murray

Although I have absolutely no authority over my own dog, Heidi, a Miniature Dachshund, or any dog, I still think that I have an awful lot to offer the canine world. With this in mind, I have started an advice column for dogs, in which I answer questions from animals looking to negotiate the mystifying spaces between the world of men, dogs and nature.

Dear Answer Man:

Yesterday treat, today no treat.

Why today no treat?

Rusty

Rusty:

You ask an excellent question.

Many “masters” operate on a reward system, and will only give out treats if their dog displays some sort of obedience or subservience to them. I know that it’s humiliating and unfair, but if you want that treat, you’re going to have to just lie back and think of Lassie.

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Dear Answer Man:

Cats evil.

Why cats in world?

Banjo

Banjo:

Oh, Banjo, cats are here in the world to remind us of what we could have been.

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Dear Answer Man:

No understand.

Dig all the time.

Go in yard and dig, dig, dig.

Can’t stop myself.

Not know why.

Why dig? What it all about? Where Kiko going?

Kiko

Kiko:

It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Don’t you worry, just keep digging, you’ll find what you’re looking for!!

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Dear Answer Man:

When dinner!!??

Scooter

Scooter:

Unfortunately, dinner is dependent on your masters, and they will serve it when it’s convenient to them, which is usually around 7:00 pm.

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Dear Answer Man:

What drink go best with chicken treat and what drink go best with meat treat? I think water go good with both, but poodle dog in park say must drink dirty water with meat treat, as it bring out earthy textures.

Dennis

Dennis:

The poodle is wrong and likely just trying to look more important and educated than it really is. Water is an ideal beverage for either meal.

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Dear Answer Man:

Why my fart face master so stupid?

He couldn’t find ball if he were ball.

Think he smart, tell Heidi what to do, but dumb!!

Heidi

Heidi:

I think that your master is actually entirely brilliant and kind. If you were a smart dog, you never would have left your real name and photo, so that he can see that you’re a disloyal and disobedient animal who should have her fetch suspended and not receive any treats for a two-week period!

Bad dog, bad dog!!