On Wednesday, I received this email from Goran, my Russian bookie.
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Leedle Bug Man:
Is Goran, master bookie and DJ of all of Greater Toronto Area, including Mississauga, bitches!
We know that you no good in betting against Goran. You lose and lose and lose, like leedle Canadian bug! You lose so much money you have to move from house on nice street with classy cars, to east side district where old men get around on crappy kid bikes!
Eediot!
But as Goran have good heart, I offer you one time only deal. Pigeon man, if you have the sufficient manhood between your leedle lady legs to bet on Canada to beat Mother Russia in hockey, I give you crazy odds! I give you 100 to 1!!
100 to 1!!
You understand what that means?
Eet means if world explode and somehow girl Canada beat Russia in hockey, you make all money you lose to Goran over years back! You be rich leedle bug and maybe can buy a few friends and gold toothes!
But ees still stupid bet, for Ovechkin will eat face of your babies and play chess with your teeth! He score on ice and off, party like God of rock! Eess man, you people are coward girl babies! Russia skate all over your maple leaf and take your women home to strip and feed the dog! You people should stick to knitting for national sport, eh?
I own the podium, bitch, and it made of first class solid gold metal!
Goran.
Doran:
You should have NO sympathy for Goran!!
He is an evil man who once threatened to eat my dog after I fell behind on a payment for a Wheel of Fortune gambling debt. I had bet that Vanna White would be wearing a green dress, but Goran insisted that she was wearing a teal dress, and forced me to pay the $300.
He's a fucker, really.
Eef you doan pay him, he no pay me. That big trouble paco.
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Poor Goran.
Hey! Thats's eerily similar to my name! I assure you, I'm not Russian.