michael murray

On Friday Rachelle and I got our monthly Hydro bill.

This was a very unpleasant experience.

Clearly, we’re using far too much electricity and must take some cost cutting measures so that I’m not overcome with waves of intense and debilitating nausea every time we get our monthly bill.

1. Our apartment has very few windows and thus has very poor air circulation. In order to combat this I created a network of 21 constantly rotating fans that always keep the air circulating in an orderly clockwise manner. I’m afraid that the expense of maintaining this fan network (which I named The Michair Machine) is now prohibitive and the system will have to be mothballed. In lieu of The Michair Machine, I have broken a pane of glass in our bedroom window to facilitate air circulation, and have drilled approximately 30 little holes in both our front and back door.

2. I have forbidden Rachelle from using her blow dryer in the apartment, and now insist that she ONLY use it at work.

3. I have sold off some of the jewelry that Rachelle never wears on Craig’s List to help pay for the massive bill.

4. I have bought an extension cord, and am now using the electrical outlet in the hallway—that the building pays for-- for our refrigerator and microwave. Unfortunately, this now means that both our refrigerator and microwave in the hallway, but some sacrifices have to be made.

5. I have bought a kit so that I might learn how to generate electricity from a potato.

6. I am now insisting that whenever Rachelle needs to power up her laptop
computer, that she does this from work. As I work from home, I am exempt from
this requirement.

7. Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, is no longer allowed her customary 3 hours a
day of Animal Planet.

8. I have replaced the Venetian Blinds that covered our front bedroom windows with a network of cleverly arranged mirrors, so that the lights from the traffic on Queen Street might be reflected into our room so that we don’t need to turn on any lights at night.

9. I have thrown out Rachelle’s electric toothbrush.

10. Using a network of coat hangers, I have constructed a sort of “lightning rod.” (Dubbed the Mightning Rod). Using the Mightning Rod, I plan on tapping into the cables that power the streetcars, and transferring that energy into a receptacle so that I might always have lightning in a bottle.